| "When you said you loved me, did you really love me?" |
[30 Oct 2009|11:35pm] |
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The Good Life- Inmates |
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And so it is true, I really only write in this thing during the extreme highs and lows of my emotional relationships. I guess that's when I have most to say, fuck it.
I've learned more about myself in the last half year than I thought I ever could of, but most people say that around my age, don't they? If you know a thing about me you'd easily be able to guess what I've learned most about. That's right, love. Angst, lust, butterflies, trust, betrayal. Growing up you always hear about "love". It plays out in front of you through every media. Your parents tell you they love you. The boy in 4th hour tells you he loves you. The little girl you babysit on the weekends tells you she loves you. Even the man on the corner standing on his crate will tell you he loves you, along with Jesus, of course. The word is used to loosely and commonly when no one really goes into the details, or more so the categories, of "love".
I've figured out family love. I've had no lack of that growing up in suburbia with parents who stayed together and uncountable family dinners to ensure that our family is "happy". I know how that love can hurt you. I know how badly that love can hurt when your grandmother dies or your mother goes into hysteria about being fired for the first time at 49. I figured that out.
I've started to see how loving your friends works out. It's very close to family love, to cherish those people who don't have your blood, but would take a bullet for you. Those are few and far between. I also know how that certain kind of love can hurt. I know how severely it may ache when a so called friend betrays trust, usually with the studly boy of the week. I know the wrenching feeling of seeing a friends body, lifeless right in front of my eyes as his soul left and departed on it's new journey. I've felt that love, i know it.
Then there is always first love. The high school romance. You discover what the term "butterflies in my stomach" feels like at full force. I've basked in the chills of being walked to class or called "my girlfriend". I remember those tears in the corner of my eyes the first time I was taken to bed, thinking "he really loves me", not knowing a damn thing in sophomore year, barely fitting on a twin bed in his parents house. I've felt the anguish and dramatic pain when that "first love" runs its course. There's usually a "it's not you, it's me." or "we're just so young"involved in the end. I know feeling like the world is going to crumble under my feet. Feeling like something I always had intact was suddenly gone, although I'd probably run off to see if someone else with a pretty smile could give it back in some form. Yes, I know about that first blow, that first real knock out.
I dappled with the forbidden love. That one takes a little more experience and usually ends up not being any actual kind of love at all, just a hefty case of lust and a challenge you know you won't win, but yearn for anyway. I know what it feels like to really believe he'd be mine someday, he said it, of course he's telling the truth, right? I know what it's like to feel the rush of having so many endorphins for someone who will never match them back, who will never even really try. And as it would conclude, I know the hurt. I know the feeling of being used up, walked on, of being a mistress. Yep, I walked myself right into that one.
But out of all the complicated types of love I'd ever felt. I'd never gone with the unpredictable kind. I'd never gone for the impulsive love. I'd never thrown all of my hesitation out the window just for that feeling of pure "rightness" or whatever sappy word that could be used there. And I did it. I saw the way he looked all the way into the back of my eyes, like no one ever had. I felt the way he made feel invincible, like I could turn the sun on with my smile. I let him help me conquer my fears, making me sit on the edge of the roof knowing I'm terrified of heights, literally. And I said yes when I woke up to the sun lighting my face and his as he said "just stay, forever" after he'd clearly been watching me sleep, contemplating the question. I basked in the self conscious glory that someone had actually made that decision, that someone had wanted me, permanently. I loved the dishes even when the sink smelled like pure garbage. I loved the laundry even when it took 3 hours just to dry a load of clothes because of that faulty dryer. I loved the cooking that no one would consider more than stirring and microwaving. I loved falling asleep with his hand in my hair or his foot against my calf, he always had to at least be brushed against me. I loved waking up to the kisses on the back of my neck or even waking to the too early alarm and having to drag him out of bed to take me to work.
But now I feel the hurt. I feel the crumbling every time I hear his name. I feel the shortness of breath where I have to hug onto my ribs, just so I don't feel like I'm falling apart. I feel the tears that burn and are constantly held back in fear of looking foolish. I feel the ache that goes so deep that I would do anything to get rid of it. I feel the words "I told you so" in everyone's eyes, who had all doubted it would last, correctly it would seem. I feel the embarrassment. I feel the betrayal. The loss of trust. I ask myself the questions, the ones that ask if it was real at all. I guess everyone goes through it. And like the hurt from every other love I will recover and go on to live another day. But I must say, the pain keeps getting worse. The periods of loneliness and unworthiness stay for such a longer time.
It makes me wonder why I try. Why anyone tries. The good times were so good and the love was so beautiful and the learning was so valuable. But this kind of pain. No, I'm done trying. I'm done trying to hurt. I close my eyes too tightly when I kiss and I throw my heart into the shaking hands of any boy who gets caught up in my brown eyes. And now I know that even when someone looks right through your eyes, it can all still be a lie and no matter how good it feels then, it's not going to pay off.It sounds so cheesy because Brandy said it first, but I've learned almost really doesn't count. I'm exhausted with trying to be someone's someone when I don't know who the fuck I am in the first place. I'm a miserable ghost just waiting for someone to make me real again, when the truth is, no one's going to accomplish that task but me.
I just wish it didn't have to hurt so god damn much. Fuck.
"When you said you loved me, did you really love me or did the words just spill out like drool on my pillow. ‘Cause I was naked when you said those words, but I felt covered in your whispered worship."
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[24 Oct 2009|01:22am] |
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I just can't seem to breathe. You know, that deep breath that clears your lungs out and makes your shoulders go limp. I just can't do it.
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[06 Jul 2009|11:17pm] |
It's crazy to think that I didn't think anyone would care when I leave. I guess that just shows my tendency to have low self esteem showing through. It's easy to forget how fortunate you are for having a few great friends. But I'll only be a phone call away or a 23 dollar bus ticket.
But I can't lie, the excitement I feel pulsating through out every bone is starting to build up. Although there is nervousness, the anticipation seems to mask it quite well. Every minute of every day passes by much too slowly and all my mind can focus on is that day. For a while I've been waiting to wake up from all of this, but I figured out I'm not dreaming. Not a chance. It's crazy how the most real of things feels the most surreal. The only word I can conjure up is simply Bliss.
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[29 Jun 2009|09:51pm] |
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Sitting on the roof looking up the rungs of the radio tower and feeling the breeze across my shoulders feels so amazing. When I sit out here at night all I can do is laugh when I think about how i got here. I'm in the last place I ever thought I'd be with the last person I ever thought I'd be with yet, I feel like I'm exactly where I belong with exactly who I belong with. It's all so ridiculous and perfect at once. I know I could pour my heart out with tons of analogies and similies like usual but it wouldn't even touch on how I really feel. I think this is what happiness feels like. I know there's judgement by the truck loads but I've expected it. If I were in an opposite position I'd judge too purely because I didn't understand. But for once I just don't care what anyone says. For once I'm not scared of what could happen. For once, I'm doing something for me. For once, I feel like there's a reason for my existence and for once I feel like there is someone who'd really be able to love me. It's crazy I never figured this out before. So everyone can think and say what they want, I thank them for fueling my determination. I'm gonna take a risk and do something. For once. I'm happy and no one's gonna fuck this up.
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[19 Jun 2009|01:30am] |
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Sometimes it feels really nice to step back from all the drama. You'd never think things would come into focus so well. I keep wondering why I didn't do this long ago. I've had a lot of fun, but it's time to grow the fuck up. Really. I'm done listening to people gab about each other because they have nothing to do with their lives and I'm done being the one gabbing because I'm pathetic. Things can actually get better, you just have to get off your ass and do something about it.
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[11 Jun 2009|03:24am] |
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I'm figuring it all out. I can see through the smoke and my vision has never been this clear. I'm figuring it all out. I'm gonna be happy.
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[07 Jun 2009|12:05pm] |
I feel like I'm stuck. Trapped, not moving, cemented in place. The days on the calender pass but I remain here. Here in my house where nothing can get to me. I constantly feel like I'm on the verge of falling over. Like a gust of wind that's a little too strong will blow me right over. So I stay in where the wind can't get to me. One of my very best friends broke my heart. She humiliated me, smiling all the while. But that's not really what upset me. It's just upsetting that a friendship of two years can be thrown away for a little bit of dick. That, knowing that I had put my trust in someone who'd trade it in for an orgasm, that's what fucking gets me. But wait, there's more. Now, because of a lie from a boy trying to cover his ass, I can't ever go see my very best friend at her home again or go anywhere this boy brings his darling girl. Because of this lie that darling girl is just waiting to get her hands on me, but I'll be damned if I'm getting my ass kicked for anything but the truth. And there lies the problem, if I ever open my mouth, if I ever decide to tell the truth I'll lose the only person I have left, my very best friend. Where the hell does that leave me? I thought I'd been punished enough for what I've done. How is it that I am the one left to cry myself to sleep?
I guess I'll just stay stuck. Because once again, I don't know what the fuck to do.
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[19 May 2009|02:14pm] |
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And so it is true. I really would much rather sit at home with a warm cup of coffee, my sewing and my dog. I'd rather sit at home watching prime time television with my mother than to sit around with shitty people like I have for so long. There's a fine line between friends and people taking up space in your life and it's a line that is often blurred. When I take a step back and let everything snap into focus it's a bit sad to see how many people fall on the wrong side of that line. But it's also reassuring to see the few that stay in my end of the court. I was under the impression for so long that living out my teenage years meant partying with everyone I can find and having the best time I can have, but what kind of fun is it when the party is over and no one gives a fuck about you? Yep, I'd much rather sit at home and sew. Call me boring, but at least I've got an idea of who my real friends are and I've embraced the fact that the number is small. I'm sure you haven't figured that out yet.
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[03 May 2009|01:08am] |
It's nice to feel. It's nice to feel something that doesn't burn and bubble and ache. It's bittersweet because it only lasts so long before the crumbling sensation comes back. But it's nice to feel something that's real. It's nice to know there's possibility. It's nice to know that there's a chance I could win this one. I'm sick of running the race that never ends.
I never knew simplicity could be so sweet.
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| Oh god it looks like Daniel, must be the clouds in my eyes... |
[18 Apr 2009|07:28pm] |
I've been making a lot of realizations. Big ones.
I realized I've been making a lot of bad choices dressed up as good ones.
I realized I am the biggest push over ever.
I realized I've got some great friends.
I realized I'm miserable, but that I'll be okay.
I realized these kisses are all so empty.
I realized I'm not letting myself branch out.
I realized I'm not a piece of shit.
I realized I deserve better.
And as I have told a best friend of mine this week, I realized he can really love fucking you, but he'll never really fucking love you.
And now I've realized I need less stress. Social stress, emotional stress. It just all seems to come down on ya at once. It's been a hell of a month already and yesterday topped it off. I'm really glad there wasn't an emotional scene of sadness like I had expected. I'm sad i didn't join in to sing. But no matter how shitty or lazy or mean my friends can get I am overjoyed that they're here. They're healthy and smiling and it doesn't matter to me what they do, they're here.
It's been a year my dear and you're always in our hearts and minds. It's been a year and we still cry, but it's been a year and we still smile. Danny when we talk about you we don't sob anymore, we smile and laugh until tears find their way out. We talk about all the beautiful things you've done for all of us. We love you and we will never forget you.
I hear your song too many times at work to even try to forget.
Rest easy, I hope you're where you want to be, where you're happy. Love you.
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| "It seems like I should say, As long as this is Love..." |
[01 Apr 2009|12:29am] |
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The Counting Crows - Anna Begins |
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My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."
I am not worried, I am not overly concerned.
My friend implores me, "For one time only, make an exception."
I am not worried.
Wrap her up in a package of lies,
Send her off to a coconut island.
I am not worried, I am not overly concerned with the status of my emotions.
"Oh," she says, "you're changing."
We're always changing...
It does not bother me to say this isn't love.
Because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love.
And I guess I'm gonna have to live with that.
But I'm sure there's something in a shade of grey,
Or something in between,
And I can always change my name
If that's what you mean.
My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."
But I am not really worried, I am not overly concerned.
You try to tell yourself the things you try to tell yourself
To make yourself forget. To make yourself forget. I am not worried.
"If it's love," she said, "then we're gonna have to think about the consequences."
But she can't stop shaking and I can't stop touching her and...
This time when kindness falls like rain
It washes her away.
And Anna begins to change her mind.
"These seconds when I'm shaking leave me shuddering for days," she says.
And I'm not ready for this sort of thing.
But I'm not gonna break and I'm not gonna worry about it anymore.
I'm not gonna bend, and I'm not gonna break. And I'm not going to worry about it anymore.
It seems like I should say, "As long as this is love..."
But it's not all that easy, so maybe I should
Snatch her up in a butterfly net and pin her down on a photograph album.
I am not worried cuz I've done this sort of thing before.
But then I start to think about the consequences,
And I don't get no sleep,
man, I never sleep,
This time when kindness falls like rain
It washes me away. And Anna begins to change my mind.
And every time she sneezes I believe it's love and,
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing.
She's talking in her sleep.
It's keeping me awake. And Anna begins to toss and turn.
And every word is nonsense but I understand and,
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing.
Her kindness bangs a gong,
It's moving me along. And Anna begins to fade away.
It's chasing me away. She disappears, and
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing.
Adam Duritz is fucking amazing. The shit he's written for the Counting Crows is pure beauty. One thing I really wish I could do is write like that, you've got to have some sort of gift for all the words he's put down on paper.
Turning thoughts and words into actions is the plan. I can say I'm going to do something with myself forever, I've been coming up with witty ways to word it out for a couple years now. There's plenty of actions I need to take but I'm not going to over analyze and over complicate everything in my life for once.
I need a vacation. I'm sure the week I have my house to myself will be nice, but not satisfying enough. I need to get away if only just for a week, I just need to get away. I've been trying to to tell myself that I can't just run away from what I have here or from my problems here but there's a couple of things I don't see myself getting out of unless I run for it. My feet are stuck in the mud and I can't get these stars out of my eyes.
I just think it'd be nice to get away, that's all.
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[22 Mar 2009|08:48pm] |
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I try to think up excuses for my behavior. There are no excuses. I just wish I could put it into words. Some sort of tangible explanation. But for this, there's not a word in any dictionary in any language. Not for this.
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[20 Mar 2009|11:10pm] |
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I'm the most fucked up person I know. Fuck it.
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[14 Mar 2009|06:20pm] |
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One big thing you learn in these years where you grow the most is who your real friends are. You'll have a plethora of people who come and go. You'll meet a few people who you draw close to you and have to let go. But along the way you'll meet at least someone that you can keep. Someone you can trust. Those kind of people are real hard to come by and it's sad that some people go through life without knowing that kind of trust. I'm just glad I've got that someone. She knows who she is, she's one of the few people who actually reads this bullshit. She's the kind of friend I know I can trust with my petty secrets. She's the kind of friend I can sit in a room with for hours and not run out of things to talk and laugh about. She's the kind of friend who I can fight with and swear at and laugh about it all when the yelling is over with. It's nice to have one person you know you can believe in.I know someday we'll be sitting on a big porch together somewhere, smoking a joint in our later years, talkin' shit about the neighbors and laughing at the stupid shit we did when we were young. I love you girl. Thanks for staying.
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| That's what you get when you let your heart win.. |
[07 Mar 2009|10:07am] |
I've really been losing my mind lately. I've surprised myself with how upset I've been getting so quickly. I think it's just the stress that I create for myself telling me to calm the fuck down and take a step back. And that is exactly what I need to do. I feel a bit torn about the path my life is taking. I feel so dormant and zombie-like these days that the monotony is like a noose pulling at my throat more and more.Part of me thinks that if I stay here I'll just keep running in circles. Part of me yearns to leave and start over with a clean slate. I like the thought of having a chance to present myself a completely different way, to let all the old stereotypes and judgments fall away and become who ever I want. But, part of me knows I can't just run away and expect everything to be better. I can't just run away from what I've created here just because the final project hasn't turned out too well. I'm just torn and I've got a lot of thinking to do. But I've got a list of ways to better myself and it's time I stick to it. Self improvement is needed and only I can do that. Only I can stop putting myself in these situations. Only I can stop laying my heart on the ground to get stomped on. Only I can change my opinion of myself and I know it's a lot easier said than done, but I'm gonna try. You better believe I'm really going to try.
Now if I could just stop having these dreams, that'd be the key.
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[20 Feb 2009|01:10pm] |
Who would of thought?
I would have never thought that the chunky boy with the ripped up Green Day t-shirt that I befriended on my first day of 7th grade in a new school, in a new state, would have such an effect on me six years later. When he first offered his friendship and invited the slightly weird new girl over to hang out, I would of never guessed. Even in later times, like the 4th of July that we went camping and he refused to swim with his shirt off. As the fireworks exploded I danced along the beach, so young and so carefree, and I remember watching him watch me. I remember the look in his brown eyes and the grin on his face as he watched me dance in the sand. That day, the day I knew I could love that boy, I still would of never guessed.
When I saw the ring, I was impressed. When I heard it was an engagement ring, I was floored. I don't know how I managed to scoop my jaw up off the floor before she could notice my disapproval and odd feeling of hurt. As my mother and I drove away and my mind began to swirl, it was like these past six years flashed in front of my eyes. Our years. Of course, it has been a long time. Of course, those romantic feelings have fled from the both of us long ago. Of course, we have both moved on and luckily kept a piece of our beautiful friendship, but I still would of never guessed. I wouldn't have guessed that his pledge to someone else would stab me in the gut and throb deep inside my chest, behind my lungs. Six years ago, when I turned down his proposal to date me day after day, I would of never guessed that I'd love that boy. I never would of guessed that I would lose that boy. I guess that's the punishment for having beautiful teenage years with someone. It will always sting from time to time after all is said and done.
I need to put emotion aside and trade it in for logic. I'm done being happy, sad, hurt, angry, alone, insecure, over and over and over. I've learned that logic serves me much better. The new boy I've had around is not coming around any longer. Instead of being upset, I got logical. And logically, it all makes sense, and that's alright. It was your face that crept into my mind at night anyhow. I need to be with me. Just me.
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| I wanna read good news, good news, but nothin' good is happenin' |
[11 Feb 2009|01:51am] |
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I feel completely, weird. If weird is the right word. My mind keeps spinning and spinning and spinning and I feel like it never shuts off. I sit in front of the television for hours to get a break from all the thinking. I let myself become sucked into other people's lives so mine stops for a moment. I'm not sure where all the thinking stems from, and why it's usually bad. I'm trying too hard to fill voids. I've been trying to push a 10 ton boulder into a hole with only my strength and I'm realizing that it's never going to work out. I'm constantly looking to others to fill me in where I feel there's a gaping space that burns and bubbles inside me. I'm trying to let go of feelings that I've let myself get so deeply into. I'm trying not to melt when you're around. I'm trying to replace these amazing emotions. I'm trying to find that chemistry again, and I'm looking in all the wrong places. I'm trying to take being alone as a good thing, people do it all the time. I wish I knew the key to being content and being alone, but I just can't figure it out. I'm trying to learn how to make the crumbling feeling go away, the one that physically hurts. I'm trying to figure out why I'm constantly in shambles. I'm trying to be alone. I just don't think I know how. I'm trying and trying and trying. But I'm still so fucking alone.
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[31 Jan 2009|09:25am] |
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I can feel change in the air. Something different. It's like the smell of summer turning into fall,very distinct, like a warning. It brings you away from the nights you loved so much but you knew couldn't last. But, it's not a bad change. You get excited to see the leaves change, the comfort of the first chilly nights of the year. I feel the tables turning and although it brings with it a sting deep in my chest, there's also a feeling I can't describe, something that makes me smile with a wide grin. Sometimes change comes at all the right times, It's about time.
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[22 Jan 2009|04:53pm] |
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I just want to fix her. I've always wanted to fix her. I hate saying it. I hate saying the word "fix" associated with my own little sister. The word "fix" isn't even the right word because she's not broken. She's just different. But her differences pile up sometimes, they pile high. It's so difficult for me to not shake her, try to shake her until she understands. When I hear her say people refused to give her their phone numbers, or that a boy at school told her she looked pretty but then laughed with all his friends, it fucking kills me. I love her the way she is, but there are so many days when I wanna give an arm or a leg just to make her normal. Some days it hurts that I can't "fix" her. Some days I look at her, and it just hurts.
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